GUIDELINES | APIUM ODIMUS

If you like to write, but hate celery, you should look this way.

Apium Odimus is Latin for We Hate Celery, and this fact alone should neatly sum up the purpose of this publication. We are here to discuss celery, and, first and foremost, how much it sucks.

Rules

1. All texts must mention celery.
   This is not optional. Celery does not need to be the main focus of your story, but it has to be mentioned.
   You can, however, choose to mention it:
   - in a different language
   - covertly as part of some sort of word play (i.e. the first letter of each line spell out ‘C E L E R Y B A D’, a great example from the group)
   - censored (i.e. ‘c****y’)
   - by describing it in other words (i.e. ‘the stringy green monstrosity’, ‘the dreaded stalk’, ‘our common enemy’, ‘the root of all evil’, ‘nature’s mistake’)
   - in an image that clearly references it
   - I’m sure there are other loopholes as well, but these are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.
2. This publication hates celery, not people.
   Apium Odimus does not tolerate bigotry. If being misogynistic, racist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, or any other type of -phobe or -ist, is essential to your presence on Medium, this is not the publication for you.
   Texts found to contain prejudiced attitudes towards any marginalised group will be rejected.
3. AI content is not allowed.
   This includes images!
   We accept original artwork, stock photos (I recommend Unsplash), and photos by (or property of) the author. These alternatives together should eliminate the need for AI.

Submission guidelines

1. Kicker, title, subtitle.
   Ideally, you should include all of them.
   The kicker, which is the little line that goes at the very top of your article, should mention your genre and type of text. For fiction, you’ll want to indicate the length of your story here (flash fiction, short story, serial, etc.) In order to create a kicker, make a new line above the title, write what you want the kicker to say, select the text, and click the smaller T in the formatting bar that pops up.
2. Alt text to images is preferable.
   I’m mostly telling this to myself, as I forget it every single time, but really. It matters. Try to make sure it’s there, because I’ll probably forget to look for it.
3. We do not care what sort of English you use.
   British spelling, US spelling, whatever. Just be coherent.
4. Longer works should be serialised.
   I don’t know why anyone would want to write a novel about celery, but if you do, please split your text up into chapters. We don’t want to ask people to read a full hour in one go.
5. Proof-read your texts thoroughly.
   The occasional typo may be corrected, but we prefer not to do your work for you. Typos are really celery, so make sure you hand in your best work.
6. Use the tags.
   All texts should use the tag Apium Odimus. I also recommend that you add something about what sort of text it is (poetry, short story, memoir, etc.)
   Aside from this, you can use whatever tags you want.

How to get added as a writer

1. Your Medium username — that is, what you see in the URL after batxh.com/
   It should start with an @.
2. Your true feelings about celery.
3. A comparison between celery and something completely unrelated to food (i.e. ‘To me, celery is like listening to music on YouTube and getting really into it, but then, suddenly, the video is interrupted by a particularly shitty ad.’)
4. That’s it. Happy writing, and may your life be forever free of celery.

Rules and How to Write for Us was originally published in Apium Odimus on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.